Deciding to become a parent was a difficult decision for me.
Learning how to parent wasn't much easier.
Amira was born on April 2, 2009 via emergency c-section. Because both she and I came down with fevers during her delivery, Amira was kept in the special nursery for the first four days of her life while I slept in a hospital room across the hall.
21 months later this is still the furthest apart my daughter and I have ever slept.
In the months before I delivered I read every pregnancy book, pregnancy magazine and Internet article on the subject that I could get my hands on.
And even though Fit Pregnancy, Vegetarian Pregnancy and other periodicals were useful to me along the way, in our society there is still only one, true pregnancy bible.
What To Expect When You're Expecting.
I read this book ferociously and only put it back in the bookcase to read its follow up, What To Expect The First Year.
Both books suggested that breastfeeding moms use a co-sleeper for the first several months of baby's life. Co-sleepers are like open faced cribs (minus the high railings) that are attached to a parent's bed. This makes it MUCH easier to breastfeed in the middle of the night. When it's time to nurse, Mom simply rolls over and baby is right next to her, but in a safe and separate sleeping space. Between the co-sleeper I'd purchased and the crib my best friends had given me as a shower gift, I knew Amira's sleeping arrangements were in place for the first couple years of her life.
I was wrong.
Nights were torture for us.
Like most newborns Amira seemed to wake up the minute we put her to bed in her co-sleeper. No matter how snuggly we wrapped her or how often we rocked her, Amira never seemed to sleep for more than an hour at a time, leaving me and Lorenzo exhausted, overwhelmed and desperate for advice.
But the solution to our problem didn't lie in any of my pregnancy books, or even from the mouth of a fellow mother.
It came from my sister and her solution was a simple one.
"Khadija, put the baby in the bed with you and get some sleep."
I was stunned.
"I can't, are you crazy? I can't do that. I'll kill her, I'll roll over and crush her in my sleep."
Fareeda burst out in laughter and replied, "No you won't.
"Yes I will, of course I will. Besides, you're not supposed to do that, the book says..."
"Fuck the book, you will not kill your child. When Treasure sleeps over my house she doesn't just sleep next to me, she sleeps ON TOP OF ME and we have NEVER had a problem, not once. Amira's your daughter, you won't roll over her, trust me, okay? Just trust me."
So I did.
It was the best parenting advice I've ever received.
Amira has slept curled beside me ever since. And though it would be many more months before she slept through the night, from that moment on we've all slept MUCH more peacefully in our queen sized bed.
Together.
And though this arrangement may go against commonly held societal standards, Fareeda was right.
Sometimes you have to put down the books and go with your gut instead.
