Like almost every other Black person I've ever met, I grew up in the church but I didn't stay there long.
My mom is a really strict Pentecostal Christian. She doesn't curse, she doesn't smoke, she doesn't drink, and until the accident happened that would leave her wheelchair bound, my mother was at church each and every Sunday of her life.
Me...not so much.
I stopped going to church as soon as it was allowed, at around 13 or 14 when I entered high school. But I still believed in God nonetheless. Confusion on that matter wouldn't come until I got to college a few years later, where I began to study Baldwin and Morrison and slavery in depth and it became much more difficult to believe in a god that would let heinous crimes abound unpunished.
But eventually my faith came back to me and while I don't adhere to any particular religion, I do believe (hope, wish?) that there's a being out there that's far bigger than all of us.
Every mother does.
Because it's damn near impossible to look at your child's sleeping face and NOT believe that this perfect being had to come from something divine.
It's even more impossible to let this child out of your sight for even a single second without holding fast to your faith.
As mothers, we HAVE to believe in God. We have to believe that there's something all-knowing, all-powerful that will keep our children safe from harm. It may not be rational but hell, it's all we've got.
I for one, wouldn't be able to sleep at night without this belief.
All that being said, I've decided to try something that both my boyfriend and best friend Michele do on the regular.
I've decided to fast for 30 days.
For 30 days I'm giving up facebook, potato chips, and tv.
Let me explain.
For most of my twenties and early thirties I could be found at the bar, club, and/or house party every Thursday through Sunday night. Even after I gave up all of that partying my friends were still the biggest part of my life. We did everything together; from going out to eat to getting waxed, I rarely spent a weekend alone.
My life is very different now.
I went from being a social butterfly to a fairly isolated, stay-at-home mom, living hundreds of miles away from my best friends and family.
It's easy to get hooked on tv when you feel like you don't have shit else to do.
But in much the same way I finally outgrew the drinking and drugging, I want to outgrow the "using tv to mask my boredom" phase as well.
There's got to be something more productive I could be doing with my time. And while I won't be giving it up entirely (Friday Night Lights is too good to let go of even for just a month) I won't be turning it on during the daytime anymore either. For the next 30 days my tv will be on during primetime only. That may not sound like much but it's a HUGE step in the right direction for me.
And as much as I love facebook and appreciate the fact that I'm able to stay in touch with so many people on a daily basis, it's preventing me from being TRULY present with the people I need to connect with the most. My boyfriend and child.
The giving up potato chips is something I'm doing just for me. I want to be as healthy as is humanly possible. I want to set a good example for my daughter. I want her to know that eating anything is fine in moderation but eating junk food daily simply isn't good for us. And I want to learn to turn to something besides food, tv and facebook when I'm feeling bad or lonely or depressed.
I may not be religious, and I may still be too much of a sinner for my mother's liking, but I do believe in the power of prayer. I do believe in the notion that faith can carry us through all hardships. And I do believe that giving up my safety nets for just 30 days can have a positive impact on the lives of Amira, Lorenzo, and me.
So I'm starting today. Wish me luck!
