It's become cold here in Chicago.
So cold that my fellow mommies and I are discussing who has the best deals on Winter coats.
So cold that I broke out the comforter last night.
So cold that in lieu of our morning trip to the park, I decided to take Amira out during the slightly warmer afternoon instead.
This time last year, an Autumn walk meant no more than dressing my daughter in layers and avoiding the lakefront at all costs. But even if worse came to worse and she caught a minor cold, it wouldn't be that big of a deal for us.
Things are slightly different now.
Today, if my daughter were to catch a cold I'd have to immediately put her on her nebulizer.
I'd have to fill the bathroom with steam and rub her down with Vicks and wait for her breathing to become regular enough for her to get a good night's sleep.
Because at long last the inevitable has finally occured.
After 2.5 years, I've finally weaned my daughter.
I will never again nurse her through an illness.
I will never again nurse her when she falls and hurts herself.
I will never again put her to my breast and know that she'll be sleeping sweetly within 15 minutes...no matter HOW wired she'd previously been.
My baby's not a baby anymore.
And as much as I've longed for this moment over the past 6 months (when nursing began to feel more like a burden than a blessing)
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't bittersweet.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
...And Found
I've lived in Chicago for 3 years now and every summer Lorenzo and I take the baby home to Boston to visit my family.
There was not much different about this vacation. I saw my family, my friends, and my old co-workers but because, upon our arrival, my best friend Maggie hadn't returned to Boston from her vacation yet, I was able to spend some time alone with her youngest daughter, Cat.
I am so grateful for that occasion.
Cat, who had just completed her freshman year of college, came to my mom's house to visit us as soon as she learned we were in town. Having not seen each other in a year we had a lot of catching up to do.
"Tell me all about college," I began.
And after filling me in on the classes she'd taken, her major, and her new friends, Cat gave me the details of her break up with her high school boyfriend. As much as it had hurt her at the time, she was doing much better now and knew it had been for the best.
Like Cat, I too had gone away to college with my high school boyfriend and like Cat, we also broke up before the end of the first year.
But...
I didn't handle things as well as she had.
I probably came as close to a nervous breakdown as one can get without needing psychiatric care. (THAT nervous breakdown would come years later...another post, another time)
Growing up, I never had any self-esteem. I have no idea why because I was surrounded by the most supportive, the most loving friends, family and teachers that anyone could ask for but...
Somehow I veered off track.
The books that had been a constant for me, the writing that had once sustained me were suddenly replaced with phone calls and love letters from boys.
The journaling that I had done, the poems and short stories I used to write...gone.
Instead, what mattered most was how pretty I was, how popular, how well-liked.
Somewhere along the line I lost myself.
Luckily, after many, many years I regained my sense of self-worth. And now, at 36, I enter a new phase of my life. My goal is no longer to be the sexy singleton. Today, I am a mother, a partner, and a role model to my little girl.
And I'm a writer, or at least, I plan on becoming one again.
To paraphrase something Toni Morrison once said there are two things I now know I have to do: I HAVE to be able to parent my child and I have to write. There are no longer any ifs, ands, or buts about it for me.
I have to write.
And that's exactly what I intend to do from here on out.
There was not much different about this vacation. I saw my family, my friends, and my old co-workers but because, upon our arrival, my best friend Maggie hadn't returned to Boston from her vacation yet, I was able to spend some time alone with her youngest daughter, Cat.
I am so grateful for that occasion.
Cat, who had just completed her freshman year of college, came to my mom's house to visit us as soon as she learned we were in town. Having not seen each other in a year we had a lot of catching up to do.
"Tell me all about college," I began.
And after filling me in on the classes she'd taken, her major, and her new friends, Cat gave me the details of her break up with her high school boyfriend. As much as it had hurt her at the time, she was doing much better now and knew it had been for the best.
Like Cat, I too had gone away to college with my high school boyfriend and like Cat, we also broke up before the end of the first year.
But...
I didn't handle things as well as she had.
I probably came as close to a nervous breakdown as one can get without needing psychiatric care. (THAT nervous breakdown would come years later...another post, another time)
Growing up, I never had any self-esteem. I have no idea why because I was surrounded by the most supportive, the most loving friends, family and teachers that anyone could ask for but...
Somehow I veered off track.
The books that had been a constant for me, the writing that had once sustained me were suddenly replaced with phone calls and love letters from boys.
The journaling that I had done, the poems and short stories I used to write...gone.
Instead, what mattered most was how pretty I was, how popular, how well-liked.
Somewhere along the line I lost myself.
Luckily, after many, many years I regained my sense of self-worth. And now, at 36, I enter a new phase of my life. My goal is no longer to be the sexy singleton. Today, I am a mother, a partner, and a role model to my little girl.
And I'm a writer, or at least, I plan on becoming one again.
To paraphrase something Toni Morrison once said there are two things I now know I have to do: I HAVE to be able to parent my child and I have to write. There are no longer any ifs, ands, or buts about it for me.
I have to write.
And that's exactly what I intend to do from here on out.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Lost
It's been 7 months since I've last written.
It's official.
Somewhere along the way I lost myself.
It's official.
Somewhere along the way I lost myself.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Just Do It
Deciding to become a parent was a difficult decision for me.
Learning how to parent wasn't much easier.
Amira was born on April 2, 2009 via emergency c-section. Because both she and I came down with fevers during her delivery, Amira was kept in the special nursery for the first four days of her life while I slept in a hospital room across the hall.
21 months later this is still the furthest apart my daughter and I have ever slept.
In the months before I delivered I read every pregnancy book, pregnancy magazine and Internet article on the subject that I could get my hands on.
And even though Fit Pregnancy, Vegetarian Pregnancy and other periodicals were useful to me along the way, in our society there is still only one, true pregnancy bible.
What To Expect When You're Expecting.
I read this book ferociously and only put it back in the bookcase to read its follow up, What To Expect The First Year.
Both books suggested that breastfeeding moms use a co-sleeper for the first several months of baby's life. Co-sleepers are like open faced cribs (minus the high railings) that are attached to a parent's bed. This makes it MUCH easier to breastfeed in the middle of the night. When it's time to nurse, Mom simply rolls over and baby is right next to her, but in a safe and separate sleeping space. Between the co-sleeper I'd purchased and the crib my best friends had given me as a shower gift, I knew Amira's sleeping arrangements were in place for the first couple years of her life.
I was wrong.
Nights were torture for us.
Like most newborns Amira seemed to wake up the minute we put her to bed in her co-sleeper. No matter how snuggly we wrapped her or how often we rocked her, Amira never seemed to sleep for more than an hour at a time, leaving me and Lorenzo exhausted, overwhelmed and desperate for advice.
But the solution to our problem didn't lie in any of my pregnancy books, or even from the mouth of a fellow mother.
It came from my sister and her solution was a simple one.
"Khadija, put the baby in the bed with you and get some sleep."
I was stunned.
"I can't, are you crazy? I can't do that. I'll kill her, I'll roll over and crush her in my sleep."
Fareeda burst out in laughter and replied, "No you won't.
"Yes I will, of course I will. Besides, you're not supposed to do that, the book says..."
"Fuck the book, you will not kill your child. When Treasure sleeps over my house she doesn't just sleep next to me, she sleeps ON TOP OF ME and we have NEVER had a problem, not once. Amira's your daughter, you won't roll over her, trust me, okay? Just trust me."
So I did.
It was the best parenting advice I've ever received.
Amira has slept curled beside me ever since. And though it would be many more months before she slept through the night, from that moment on we've all slept MUCH more peacefully in our queen sized bed.
Together.
And though this arrangement may go against commonly held societal standards, Fareeda was right.
Sometimes you have to put down the books and go with your gut instead.
Learning how to parent wasn't much easier.
Amira was born on April 2, 2009 via emergency c-section. Because both she and I came down with fevers during her delivery, Amira was kept in the special nursery for the first four days of her life while I slept in a hospital room across the hall.
21 months later this is still the furthest apart my daughter and I have ever slept.
In the months before I delivered I read every pregnancy book, pregnancy magazine and Internet article on the subject that I could get my hands on.
And even though Fit Pregnancy, Vegetarian Pregnancy and other periodicals were useful to me along the way, in our society there is still only one, true pregnancy bible.
What To Expect When You're Expecting.
I read this book ferociously and only put it back in the bookcase to read its follow up, What To Expect The First Year.
Both books suggested that breastfeeding moms use a co-sleeper for the first several months of baby's life. Co-sleepers are like open faced cribs (minus the high railings) that are attached to a parent's bed. This makes it MUCH easier to breastfeed in the middle of the night. When it's time to nurse, Mom simply rolls over and baby is right next to her, but in a safe and separate sleeping space. Between the co-sleeper I'd purchased and the crib my best friends had given me as a shower gift, I knew Amira's sleeping arrangements were in place for the first couple years of her life.
I was wrong.
Nights were torture for us.
Like most newborns Amira seemed to wake up the minute we put her to bed in her co-sleeper. No matter how snuggly we wrapped her or how often we rocked her, Amira never seemed to sleep for more than an hour at a time, leaving me and Lorenzo exhausted, overwhelmed and desperate for advice.
But the solution to our problem didn't lie in any of my pregnancy books, or even from the mouth of a fellow mother.
It came from my sister and her solution was a simple one.
"Khadija, put the baby in the bed with you and get some sleep."
I was stunned.
"I can't, are you crazy? I can't do that. I'll kill her, I'll roll over and crush her in my sleep."
Fareeda burst out in laughter and replied, "No you won't.
"Yes I will, of course I will. Besides, you're not supposed to do that, the book says..."
"Fuck the book, you will not kill your child. When Treasure sleeps over my house she doesn't just sleep next to me, she sleeps ON TOP OF ME and we have NEVER had a problem, not once. Amira's your daughter, you won't roll over her, trust me, okay? Just trust me."
So I did.
It was the best parenting advice I've ever received.
Amira has slept curled beside me ever since. And though it would be many more months before she slept through the night, from that moment on we've all slept MUCH more peacefully in our queen sized bed.
Together.
And though this arrangement may go against commonly held societal standards, Fareeda was right.
Sometimes you have to put down the books and go with your gut instead.
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