Rally to Restore Sanity to My Life

Two days ago, Nita (Amira's grandmother) introduced me to one of her friends.
"This is my grandbaby, Amira," she began. "And this is her mother, Khadija."
"Nice to meet you" I said.
"It's nice to meet you, too" said the lady whose name I've already forgotten. "And what a beautiful baby girl! But now it's time to start working on a little boy. Don't wait too long between babies because..."
I decided to take that moment to politely interrupt.
"Oh, no Ma'am." I said. "I'm not having any more kids."
"But you have to!" She exclaimed. "You have to have another one. She needs a brother or sister to grow up with." And then this stranger began to list the various reasons why my life won't be complete without another child. She was a perfectly nice lady and of course she meant no harm but...
I've heard this list before.
In fact, I hear it all the time.
Family members and friends, store owners and bus drivers, everyone seems to have a reason as to why I "HAVE TO" have another child.
These people all have one thing in common:
THEIR children are already grown and out of the house.
They seem to have forgotten how difficult it is to raise a toddler.
Forget about the poopy diapers and endless nursing...that's nothing compared to the loss of identity that I've encountered since becoming a stay at home mom.
Now I'm not saying this happens to everyone but...
I rarely leave the house without Amira.

I don't go to a doctor's appointment without WILLING the doctor to hurry up so that I can get home to my child.

I can count ON ONE HAND the number of times I've left my daughter at home in order to hang out with my friends and she is 19 months old.

In a rare moment of intimate coversation with Lorenzo he said, "I miss you, babe" and I answered, "I miss ME, too!"

I love my daughter, ya'll. That goes without saying. I CHOSE to stay at home with her for as long as I could and that was absolutely the right choice for my family but...

Now it's time to make some choices for me.

I used to be an admin at NESL, a student at UMass, a gym rat, a daughter, and a best friend.

Now I'm "just a mom" and as Gloria Steinhem and Oprah will tell you, it's just not enough.

Not for me anyway.

I want to be Lorenzo's girlfriend again.

I want to be the co-worker who brings donuts for everyone on Friday mornings.

I want to rediscover ME.

Because while my most important role, the one that truly gives me the most happiest, is that of Amira's mother...

It will never be ALL of who I am.

What A Difference...

Right now it's Saturday afternoon and instead of engaging in my customary habit of channel surfing while my daughter naps, I'm sitting in front of my laptop typing this entry.

This fast is one of the smartest things I've ever done.

I thought I'd be lost and lonely without Facebook and television to keep me company but nothing could be farther from the truth.

Instead I feel more focused than I've been in a really long time.

I'm able to sit still for 20 minutes and have an uninterrupted conversation with my boyfriend.

I can read a magazine from cover to cover, jotting down the recipes I'd like to try.

When I have broken my fast it was to spend time with Lorenzo. When he asked me to make pancakes and watch the season premiere of The Cleveland Show with him, I didn't have to think twice before saying yes.

I'm ashamed to admit this but there was a time when the answer would have been no.

I would have had dishes to wash or the baby to tend to.

I would have hemmed and hawed and complained about missing a repeat of The Office or something similarly stupid. Bottom line: I never made time for my relationship.

That has to change.

Doing this fast has helped me put tv, Facebook and even junk food back into their proper places.

They can be fun diversions but shouldn't be used to help me get through life.